A notes on her


 The Intro

"Which floor are you on?" she messaged.
I have been waiting for her for a few minutes now. I am in the mall on some floor (I just know that it is not the ground floor), holding a bag of items that I purchased earlier.

When she asked for the floor, I gave the surroundings a rough look and quickly replied "1st." But after a few seconds, I realized that I was actually on the 2nd floor. Scolding my lazy brain, I grabbed the nearby elevator and reached the first floor.

So, here I am, waiting for her, the moment nearing with every passing second. I noticed that my heartbeat started racing. The calmness is slowly fading away in the light of excitement and nervousness.  I planned to spend the time very efficiently once she arrived so that every second would store the memories equivalent to an hour. But my brain might have started doing that from now. I can hear nothing but my heartbeat, but it is going very slow - L..U..B..D..U..B... Then I am drawn into a movie. The movie of my memories. The memories that I want to remember. The remembrance which I cannot guarantee for.

It is a journey from the first message and the first reply, to the latest reel and the latest book. But she is not a complete stranger before the first message. I saw her for the first time in high school.

****

Our school initially placed all the students randomly in different sections. The first examination they conduct is the basis for reshuffling according to merit. It was after that first examination, she and I came to the same section. The first time I saw her, she was wearing a badge with blue-coloured letters on a yellow background that said "2nd Rank."

The next memory was hearing her voice sometimes during the prayer. The next one is in the last year of high school, where for one examination she sat beside me, on the same bench. I figured that happened so because her roll number was twice that of mine.

But anyway, I barely knew her when we were in high school. As with any typical co-ed high school, we were told to behave with the opposite gender as the untouchable. Not only that, they were unwatchable, unhearable and unfeelable.

So, goodbye to high school, and cut to 3 years later, I heard about our reunion and was initially very excited to meet a bunch of friends that I managed to remember if they come at all. Of course, some had come and others could not. I tried to talk actively with my friends, even though I knew I did not have that gift. Then I saw her again.
There she was, and me, both at the same place, same time. I tried very hard to use an opportunity to initiate a talk. But the situation only went worse. All were acting like they want to grab the "Best awkward people" award. In the middle of this complicated awkwardness, she chose to do what is obviously obvious - she left (only much later I learnt that she played a key role to set up the reunion, and also that she would never do it again. I could not disagree though. I mean, who wants to repeat mistakes, huh?). It was too boring to handle, and unfortunately, I could not help anything but be a weird guy trying to search for some enlightenment - completely out of sync with the ongoing situation. So the reunion ended with an "okayish" review.

As a next step, I tried connecting to my school friends online. I messaged a few people. I wanted to message others, but afraid of doing that. In the case of some, I even forgot the names and the faces. Added to that difficulty was having multiple people with the same name. But one evening, I saw her number, and she got a notification from me, which said "Hai."

Part  - 01

In the initial days, when I don't know even what to talk about, this was my goto-topic: Movies. I could talk non-stop about many movies. I talked about hit movies, flop movies, foreign language movies, and all the combinations of genres. These movie-discussion days did not last long. One day she just suggested changing the topic. Up to that point, I did not realize how much I am dumping all my movie stuff onto her. That is the point when I realized that everyone on the planet does not discuss movies just because I watch'em. From then, I just talked about anything that comes to my mind (except movies though) - something I read, or heard, some joke in my college. Put simply, anything that's talkable.

(Even today if I speak about movies, I try to not overload. If I want to discuss movies that I binge-watched, I will split them to accommodate a few weeks.)

Gradually, I started talking about some random things in my life. But those messages contained so much description and analysis of things, which I later realized was overthinking. She used to read all those and tried to give an opinion if possible.
One day I saw a post about a story-writing contest and casually mentioned it to her. She then suggested applying for it because she had been observing me sending those long messages, and thought I could write a story too, in a similar fashion. Of course, I did not take it much seriously, until much later.

Part - 02

She is one of the very few people I know who does not take things that seriously which makes me admire her more. When she mentioned that "at the end of the game, both the king and pawn go to the same box", it is one of the best philosophies I have read in my life. But one need not assume a face of a Buddhist monk, as she is famous for being mischievous too.

She made jokes about herself, without any ego or that self-pride I saw in many people I knew. One thing I frequently observe was her memory loss issue, where she almost forgot things every 24 hrs. 
(Nah, I am not serious, just kidding... Just kidding, right?)

Unfortunately for her, I remember things for a pretty long time. So when I make any reference to things that happened a few months back, she says, "When did that happen?/What are you talking about?". 
(Of course, later I came to terms with it that she was a born memory-loss person). Maybe it's just her brain procrastinated forming neural connections while in the womb so only half of her memory region was active. (Or maybe less than half..?)

Another thing I hear from her is the discussion of her height. For me, she does not at all appears to be a short girl (maybe because I already saw girls less than her height), but whenever she tries to describe her height, I feel she is comparing her height with that of an ant. I have to admit that I may not relate to her feeling. But, still, She is not that short. Yeah, she is not that short... Really...

Part - 03

At best, she is an ambivert. If you are new to her, you have to constantly ask questions in order to make her use the vocal cord. (We cannot be sure of that either. Sometimes she just uses her charming smile to get people out of her way). I don't know whether it is my fate to have friends who are highly introverted. But on the positive side, I am trained in asking questions to introverts so they speak up..! (that story, maybe for another day... now, let's come back to the point).

But once she crosses that introvert zone, she talks continuously and one starts to worry whether she faints from spending that much energy on talking. Her best friends say that she always eats their brains and does not let them live peacefully. Not quite as introverted as she appears to be..!

Apart from all that, there is a sweetness in her messages and her voice. Yeah, the voice. It's not the typical high-pitched female voice. I wondered if it was with me, her voice being different, or if everyone observed it. When I asked her about it, I got relieved that it was not just me. She said something regarding it but I forgot (look who is now becoming a memory-loss patient!).

Part - 04

One day I came to know that she loves reading books but with a catch. She is more into fiction books. But me? I was a pure non-fiction reader. Of course, there was nothing to worry about proudly admitting that I was a non-fiction reader, but there was a problem. The problem was not the reading of fiction. The problem was my underestimating the work of fiction.

When she said she was into fiction books, I gave it a thought - do we really need to read fiction? After some burning calories on it, I realized one of the greatest ironies that was happening in my life. On the one hand, I am liking, in fact loving, movies, which are mostly fictional works, but I am not actually into fiction books..!?
I understood that similar to movies, the same storytelling is used in fiction books as well to drive any change that we want to see, the change that explains what could be prevented, and what could have happened.

I slowly started having books of fiction. I started to like them and enjoy them. I started having my own collection of fiction works. But thanks to her, I always look for the books she read in case I am not sure about what to read. She became my go-to manual for fiction works.

Not only books but she also suggests movies and songs. If she suggests, it means I have to give a look at them. If I go through her suggestions, the best part would come next - a discussion regarding it.

One of us presents the review of the piece, and the other chooses to agree/disagree. If we disagree, we try to argue till one of us stops producing counter argument..! Throughout the entire discussion, there will be some eye-openers for me definitely, and new insights. Those are the situations I learnt how important sometimes it is to overcome the biases to be ready to unlearn them.

Part - 05

As an ex-overthinker (I think I still am, sometimes), I always have a train of thoughts running through my brain at any given point in time. It's like I could not have peace till I dump them off somewhere. If I do not dump and try to forget, they form an infinite loop and won't stop till they eat the last cell of my brain. Maybe not everyone would be in the mood to hear each and everything of your thoughts every time, and that is neither your mistake nor theirs. So, while I was just trying to figure out what to do with these thoughts, I remembered her suggestion to write stories. The result? The existence of this blog.

Being friends with a book reader is a blessing in disguise because they will be a great reviewer, and so is she. Whenever I write a thing and show it to her, she would read it patiently and tell me how bad or good it is. Without her, I might not have developed this much in writing. So whenever I try to write, I will just think about how she reviews it - she is helping to raise my writing standards.

Even though she does not do it regularly, she writes very well. When she showed me a thing or two that she wrote, I was unable to tell anything but "wow/nice/super". Believe me, when I say, she is a great writer (here I don't want to compare her work with mine, because that would be a serious insult to her writing). I used to wonder why she does not write actively. Later I just left it to her. It should be her choice and her choice only. Maybe she is currently writing. Or not. I will be just the person who will read if she writes something. Nothing more than that...

Part - 06

Hers is a small world, with minimum friends and too minimum best friends. She loves to be alone but dies to go through the loneliness. It's the freedom vs. loneliness paradox that goes through her mind. Maybe, this is one of the things where I can truly connect with her.

Whenever she gives me that vibe, I badly want to say to her "Hey, it's okay, I am here for you." But I never told her. Because I am afraid. Of what? Promising things. Why? Because a day comes when we may not keep our promises. So? There is no point in promising, after all. But wait, is it the correct interpretation?

Being with her, I learnt that it's okay to promise. We may fail to keep promises, but what we can do if we truly are not in a position to do that? Why be so serious about things that are not in our hands? Just take it lite, and try your best.

Part - N

Why I messaged her?

Why had she replied?

Why did our friendship grow?

The best answer I could get is "I don't know." Maybe that's right. Maybe not.

When I first messaged her, she was still a stranger. Even though on one hand I was biased towards her, on the other hand, there was that feeling of doubt:

What if I don't like her? 

What if I don't like my effort of talking to her? 

What if this is never meant to work out?

But here's the news: The more I talk to her, the more I am aware of her, I realized how nice she is, how funny she is, how clever she is.

I realized how lucky I am to talk to her, to listen to her and to know her. She is a gift, and she will be the one I cherish forever.

****

A loud thud nearby caused my senses to wake up to reality. I quickly checked myself and the surroundings. So, yeah, I am in the mall, was on the second floor, have come to the first floor, and have been waiting for her. So, nope, she hasn't already come and tried to wake me up from the trance. The thud was something that fell down in the shop behind me.

I am back to the task of controlling my calmness and heartbeat, and also checking for her at the entrance of the elevator. So here I am, and she will be, both at the same place and same time. After a few seconds, there she is, coming towards me, smiling and waiving "Hai."

The  Epilogue

I have been going through works where people are celebrated/honoured/whatever-it-is when they leave this planet. For example, Disney dedicated a movie (Brave) to Steve Jobs after he died. I thought "There is no point to show how much you love them once they are gone". 

Maybe I don't know. That's how it works, or that's not how it works. But what if it is the other way around? You wanted to express something but it was too late for you. Some things might not need to have a "right time".

The other day, I was discussing with her a book written by Chimamanda. The book discussed the bond between the author and her father. When I said about the book to her, she said it would be nice to read those kinds of works. That is the moment I decided - oh, maybe that's what I should do then.

So, I decided to write this piece for you. Just. For. You.

Also, I want to say that this is not a final copy. I don't want it to be. Will update this piece periodically or non-periodically (we have to respect our mood swings..!). This work keeps on updating throughout my life. As long as you have me in your life.

I have to admit that some parts might be too dramatic, but I cannot help it. I hope that's okay. Also, just ask if you want me to remove anything(or everything) that you don't want to read here.

Now, I want to take the chance and tell you sorry for anything I said which hurt you knowingly or unknowingly. Making sure you will not get hurt will always be one of my top priorities.

Well, as always, how is the writing? Waiting for your review..!



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