The Envelope

A yellow envelope with a letter inside, which was got into my hands a month back. As much as I want to read it, there is also the part of me that suggests not to read. As much as I want to hear him through his words, I don't want to visit his memories. I have been waiting for a day when I feel like I can read it as I was busy with other things going on with work, home and all. Today things seem better and I think I can handle whatever is there in the letter - whatever he wanted to say to me.

I settled in the chair near the window, where sunlight was hitting afresh and making the room alive. I have picked the cover present between the pages of one of the books on the desk. Anyone who noticed the cover can understand two things: It is for a person named Leela; because it mentions "For Leela" in his handwriting. Also, it seems he didn't put much effort into making the cover, because it is almost tearing, or it could be an old one.

With a deep breath, I opened the cover and started reading it, as I tried to control my racing heart:

Warning: On the cover I already mentioned that this is for Leela. So, if you are not Leela, please stop this right now!!!

He was very serious about his secrets and he executed absolute control of what was to be shared with whom. But at times when he couldn't control events like this, it's very him trying to issue those 'warnings' and assume other people respected his decisions.

Hi Leela, How are you...

Do you remember the first time I saw you?

    Well, technically, I saw him first. It was one fine cloudy evening in our city, where I was going to a relative's house and got stopped by the traffic. Then beside me, he had come and stopped his bike. He removed his helmet with an expression that seemed like this-traffic-is-not-gonna-end-soon and looked at either of his sides. I was on his right side. When his face turned from the left side to the right side, I was already watching him, just out of curiosity. When he saw me, our eyes were locked for a few moments, and he lost grip on his helmet and it had fallen down. I chuckled at him, looked away and stayed like that till we departed in opposite ways once the traffic lights turned green. Only to meet him in his house.

I still remember you going in the opposite direction and finally ending up in our home. I don't know how much extra distance you had to travel to reach our home. Introducing you as a distant relative is one of the best surprises I ever had. I could not explain what it was but just felt as if we were made to be together.

It had always been like that. We had a strange connection, where my gut told me he would propose eventually. I could even see the trouble he was undergoing to confess the issue, but just wanted him to come up first. Maybe I should have confronted him earlier. Maybe not.

It's been a week since you came to my house, and I have finally been able to get your number from my sister. I had to face the interrogation of why I needed your number. I could directly say that I liked you, but that brings more troubles than it solves. So I told her that I wanted to know where you purchased your bike. She understood.

Now I also understand it. After a few months of our first meeting, he bought his elder sister the same model bike I used. Except that he did not ask me about it. Instead, his first messages included pissing me off by reminding me that I had to travel half of the city to come to their home. The messages appear as if he were appreciating me that I had a strong will not to miss the destination, but I think you get it. 

But in the letter, the writing in the very next paragraph changed. It appeared more distorted.

As the time passes, it gives us both good and bad. But there is a thing beyond good and bad. It's the choice. Every new second is for us to make a choice, and I think I have made mine. I want to propose to her...

Did he just stop addressing it directly to me? Did he forget that? He was referring to me in the third person. Whatever, I want to see what lies ahead.

...I have made mine. I want to propose to her. But I can't just go and say "I love you". I actually want to increase the chances of me being in her life. Timing. I have to wait for a proper time, with the risk that I may miss her every second I delay.

So this is when it all started. He has been thinking through this for years? I have been with him all the time?  He did not want to tell me? Just one move from him would have been enough. 

The page almost reached half. But the ink was changed then. Also, the writing got further distorted, but still legible enough.

It's been a year since we knew each other. I saw her three times during the year. The second time, she wore a yellow saree, where she looked like an angel. I actually went towards her immediately after seeing her. She asked "How do I look?", with a tense look. I smiled at her, and said "Gorgeous" - I looked at her smiling all the way through the end of function. I felt very relieved, after many months...

He had felt relieved? What had been happening to him? What he was dealing with? 

...very relieved, after many months. I think I am under the pressure of correcting myself, so watching her in person helped me reduce my anxiety as if I were going to be with her forever from that moment. I know I have been working on myself to become a better person. I can't be a half-baked guy ready to convey his love without any preparation. I don't wanna be perfect, but just a normal guy. 

Today, at the office a meeting happened with my boss. There is a colleague who opposed something said by my boss. I knew that my boss was wrong but actually, everyone else opposed my colleague and made fun of him.  After the meeting, he came towards me and asked "Hey, am I wrong?". I replied "No..." He left silently without saying anything. I don't know if I can ever forget the dull expression on his face while he walked away silently. It keeps on reminding me how scared fool I am. (Sorry Harsh..)

He had always been like this. His idea of being normal was so perfect that he could not recognize it. All he could do was accept that it was fine to be him. But it did not turn out like that, it seemed.

Time for another change of ink.

I just have realized I have been all wrong, Leela. Since I was a kid, I was raised in an environment where I was just a body of expectations. I was made to think I was special. I was to do great things. I was better than anyone. Only to learn that I am not. My idea of normal was so perfect that I could not understand its flaws. I am not a perfect guy, and it's completely fine. Being normal is not perfect. But being perfect is not normal. It's such a sudden relief over me that I feel so much lite.

It doesn't mean I am fine with myself. It's just that I am gonna keep myself improving, not for perfection, but for the sake of better me. For the sake of a better future, possibly with you.

My hands began to tremble. He was not who I thought he would become. He actually changed and accepted what I would have said if he opened up. I kept the letter aside, got up and went to the dining table to grab a water bottle and took a few gulps. I don't know if I can continue reading it. One half of me is urging to read and the other half is crying to stop. But I almost read the major portion of it. I did not want to leave it incomplete.

 So, I just want to settle as early as possible, and once I feel good enough, I wanna come to you. I want to know you better. I wanna share all my feelings. I want you to read this letter which contains all my funny and stupid feelings. But..

Tears are being filled up in the eye. I am on the edge of breaking down. I do not know whether I could hold myself together. I picked up my mobile and sent a message to Faruh.

"Hey, Please call me once you are free. Think I need to talk to you."

But what if that is not gonna happen?

we never end up together? I could not confess my feelings? I could not meet you? I could not be...

I, could not be... 

If that is the case, please remember that I loved you and will always love you. You will remain that one special person whose place I can't give to anyone else. Please remember that I did not do it intentionally. So sorry that you are going to miss me.

I am getting a call. It's from Faruh.

***

Thank you for reading!
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