The Fault - Part 5
Sumit had got off the bus and looked at his watch. He felt relieved to know that he was not late. He checked the building opposite the road. There were banners inviting people to the lecture. The building looked huge. There was an arch at the entrance, and a straight path leading to the hallway. The auditorium, where the lecture was about to start, is on the ground floor. There were a couple of floors above, and they also might be used for some or the other functions, or ceremonies, he assumed. It was his first time visiting this place. While he was slowly scanning the building from bottom to top, his head went all the way up to the roof, and he saw the stars in the sky.
Stars always used to be a topic of wonder for Sumit. Who could not love star gazing during nights with a cool wind on their face? But the stars were no longer a wonder for him. Instead, they became remainders, reminding him of what he had to do. He let out a deep sigh and crossed the road.
He reached the end of the straightway after the arch and ended up in a large hallway. The hallway has 3 entrances, the firstmost door leads to the first rows and the last door leads to the last rows. He did not want to be too far or too near. He chose the middle door and settled in a seat in one of the empty rows that did not fill yet. He was surprised to see that she already arrived.
Within a few minutes, the auditorium was almost filled. The host started the talk with the introduction of the speaker, after that, amid the claps of the audience she reached the dais.
"Hello, all! Good evening! Thank you so much for taking your time and coming here. I am so excited to see the hall filled up! My name is Tara, and without further delay let's start talking about our topic, which is 'Anger management in relations'..."
**
The lecture was going great and almost reached the end. Tara was involving the audience, and she was making more it like a discussion rather than a routine radio-like lecture. But Sumit thought she might have to think about this format, as one of the audience took advantage of it and started debating her furiously, lost his temper, and had begun to swear at her. It had taken some time to bring the situation back to normal. The host talked after it:
"Sorry for the disturbance. It's been completely resolved now. So, let's invite our Tara to continue her concluding remarks..!" The audience cheered.
Tara had reached the dias and took the mic, "Haha! well, thank you for re-inviting me! So, let's wrap this up quickly. Anger is a common emotion. One cannot say we should not be angry. If that is the case, there will be no difference between us and robots."
She continued, "However, there should be control over the anger. If you say that you love your partner by shouting at them, remember that your partner will not be convinced. Anger is your problem. Your weakness. Your people can not be the victims of your weakness."
Tara received thunderous clapping. She thanked the audience, and the host reached the dias. "Thank you so much, Tara! It's been a great day for us all! We definitely have learnt great insights that make our relations better!"
"The pleasure is mine!" She descended the dias and sat in the first row.
The host continued, "It's the time for the audience to speak! Anyone interested and willing can come onto the dias and share their experiences on the topic. Please raise your hands and we will call you one after the other. We try to accommodate as more as possible within the time available for us."
Sumit raised his hand.
***
It had been a few weeks since Sumit saw Tara at the restaurant. The initial few days were one of those days we pray we never woke up to. He felt he did not know anything about anything. All his understanding about people, relations and love, started to blur. He sank into the bottomless sea of sadness.
Coincidentally, Rekha entered his life at the same time. There was some magic with her, especially the eyes. He could totally tell about her state just by looking at her eyes - whether she is sad, happy, angry, or hungry. He wanted to be with her. He wanted to propose to her, but he understood he could not do it unless he solved his problem. Unless he came out of the guilt that is giving him sleepless nights and restless days.
He had made two decisions about what he wanted to do. First, he wanted to be the best partner, and he did not want to do anything anymore that could make his people suffer. He wanted to transform himself for his own sake. Second, he wanted to confess to Tara. He could not become a living corpse by holding that heavy guilt which was only becoming worse with each passing day. He wanted Tara to forgive him. He thought whether he was being selfish by reliving his fault and shifting the weight onto her. But he understood it was not the case. He had to carry his past all his life. Just all he wanted was proper acceptance from her so he could move on easier. All he wanted was to hear from her, "Hey! it's okay, I am fine and I forgive you. You move on, Sumit."
As part of the first decision, he started reading as many books as possible in his free time. Mostly they were suggested by Tara in her podcasts. Initially, he could neither read books nor listen to her podcasts continuously for more than ten minutes. He had to give regular breaks, some of which are long, before further continuing. With time, he became normal. Normal enough to genuinely smile when someone cracked a joke.
He could also observe that he was changing. Not only he was becoming better with Rekha, but also he was able to observe issues with his colleagues' behaviour which he thought previously of as 'normal' or 'funny'. Whenever he could, he was trying to object to them. However, he realized that it was not easy for him to make them listen.
Now, as part of his second decision, he arrived at the venue to meet Tara. Even though he wanted to confess to her, he knew that he could not do it at the first meeting itself. The best case is he wanted Tara to know that he existed. As a classmate from her school.
***
"Hello, sir, can you please come onto the dias and speak", the host is looking at Sumit.
Sumit recovered and said "Yeah, sorry, sure, I will", and walked towards the dais. He saw Tara on the first row before going up onto the dais.
"Hi, everyone. My name is Sumit Thakare, and my native place is Jharkhand. If you specially ask, I spent my childhood in Pratapur village in the Garhwa district."
He knew that no one generally says about their native village and the district when asked to talk in a lecture which had nothing to do with nativity or villages or childhood. He mentioned it explicitly with the hope to trigger Tara. Sumit paused for a few moments and observed her face, and indeed her face was flinched. He quickly continued to prevent the awkward looks from the audience.
"People in my family, especially women, consider shouting not as a big issue. It's like they normalized it to an extent that they feel that, uh, the men were doing it out of love. Like, shouting is an expression of love. As a kid who spent time with them, I thought it was okay to yell whenever I feel concerned."
"But, here is the point I noted. I was not just concerned, but in fact, I want to take control. I want to know everything they do, I want them to ask me before they proceed, with great irony that I don't want them to ask me what I am doing. I am the person who is enjoying a greater freedom but I say I love them. Only recently, I am learning the difference between loving and controlling. Thank you. Uh, I hope this makes sense." Sumit gave an awkward look. He did not actually prepare to speak anything. But he was forced to think and speak something relevant just so he could get the attention of Tara.
Tara looked at Sumit and clapped for him. Sumit saw her and managed to smile a bit, and returned to his seat. There were a couple more people from the audience who raised their hands. The event ended after some 30 minutes.
When people started to leave, he wanted to meet Tara in the first row to initiate a conversation. Sumit looked at the first row, but she was not there. He could not see her among the people moving towards the exit. He sighed and walked towards the exit. When he had come out of the exit door, Tara was already there and was looking at him. It appeared like Tara had been waiting for him. They walked towards each other.
"Excuse me, did I know you? I noticed that you mentioned Pratapur, and I also happened to study there."
"Yeah, yes, actually I did know you. I, uh, the.." he could not say anything.
What should he say?
That he was his classmate during their 7th class in high school?
Won't that be too obvious? What if she just recognizes him?
Can this trigger her past?
His heart began to race. The surroundings were becoming blurred and the walls of the hallway were melting away. The ceiling turned into a dark sky, and he was seeing a cliff in his faraway front.
"Hello, are you alright?"
Sumit snapped back to reality.
"Yeah, sorry, I am alright. Yeah, you and I studied together during high school, in the 9th class."
"Oh, I am sorry I could not recognize you."
"Yeah, it's fine. I have spent only one year in the school."
"Maybe. But you still remember me! I even forgot most of the names except one or two."
Sumit laughed. "Trust me, it is not a great thing to remember. But yeah, maybe I can help you with the names - like Aarti, Naveen, Amar, Veena, Yugesh, Swapna? Striking anything?"
"I just remember only Veena, because, she stuck with me till college."
"Yeah, not a much problem though. Maybe, uh, can we catch up in your free time?" asked Sumit still feeling nervous.
"Sure, see you."
They left the hallway, in the opposite directions.
Cursing himself for getting triggered, he walked quickly around the hallway and came back to the arch, and surprised to see Rekha there.
"Hey!", said Rekha with surprised eyes.
"Hey! You, uh, here.." said Sumit.
"Of course, I am here, what are you doing here?"
"Yeah, I am just coming out of a lecture", he pointed to her the dimly visible banner.
"That's nice. How was it?"
"It went great, I can say."
"Cool, so, uh, what are you doing now?"
"Me? Nothing.. Just go home and cook the dinner."
"Oh, you did not cook yet?"
"Did not have the time!"
"Well, how about joining me? I am anyways heading for a restaurant."
"Oh, Is it? Sure. By the way, what are you doing here?"
"Nothing. Just exploring the places, I can say," she smirked.
**
Rekha ordered some Indonesian special food and said it was her favourite. Being in no mood to go through the menu, Sumit ordered the same. Sumit lost in the taste of the cuisine and almost forgot about Rekha in front of him. Rekha smiled at him and said, "How many days it's been since you last ate?"
Sumit stopped eating and gave her an awkward look.
"Well, hunger is hunger... Even if it's been two days or it's been two hours. We should not judge it!" They both laughed.
Rekha said, "Hey, Sumit, well, you know, when I started working here, during the first couple of days, I observed you and thought you were the same as others. You even tried to shout at me and others. I lost all hope and regretted applying for this company."
Sumit stopped eating. He was becoming tight and uneasy.
Rekha continued, "But you changed. You became more friendly, and accommodating. You in fact have not been getting angry at any of our colleagues recently. Here I am, from doubting you to inviting you for dinner." She smiled, which made Sumit relax a bit.
"So, thank you for being nice to me."
No, she need not do that.
"Well, as you said thanks, yeah, you are welcome. Actually, my being nice is a normal thing. I am not doing any great things. It's how it supposed should be."
"Regarding my change, yeah, the credit belongs to another person."
"Oh, who is that person?"
"Her name is Tara.." Sumit felt his anxiety hitting him as soon as he mentioned her name. The same thing which he experienced in the hallway before. The tables and chairs are moving away, and he was seeing a dark sky with a cliff in his front. Rekha was no longer visible to him, but there was a woman wearing a black scarf.
"Hey, Sumit, are you ok?" he felt Rekha's hand on his and was back to reality.
"Yeah, sorry. I am good!" he smiled.
"Are you sure?" Rekha looked puzzled.
"Yeah, of course, I am great. So, what I was telling? Yeah, Tara. She is a nice speaker, and I actually.."
"..were attending her lecture, and that's what you were doing at that building." completed Rekha.
"Yes, right."
"Yeah, saw the name on the banner. She should be a great person then. Did you meet her? Did you talk to her till now?"
"Uh.. not exactly.."
"Oh, okay. If she is the reason for your change, I also want to meet her and say thanks. Can you take me next time when you go to her lecture?"
"We will see. But let's eat this and quickly sleep tonight. We have so many meetings tomorrow right?"
"Yeah, every tomorrow has meetings. Have to see one tomorrow where I can just chill in the office." They both laughed.
Sumit reached his room, got freshened up and settled in his chair. He felt better managing the first meeting with Tara. Before going to bed, he checked the next date of her lecture in the city and set a remainder. He hoped that he would not get that nightmare since he had made some progress on it. But his hope turned out to be a false one when he woke up in the middle of the night.
**end of part 05**
Thanks for reading!! Feel free to share your feedback in the comments..!
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