Ram vs Ram - chapter 2

 

It's Janaki. 

Ram saw her for the first time when she came to his room. He was rearranging the things on the dressing table and saw her through the mirror - A tall woman with yellow kurta and long hair, with two golden bangles on one hand and a watch on the other.

"Hi, sorry, I didn't mean to disturb..", she said.

"No, that's fine. So, you must be Janaki?"

She smiled. "Yes, that's right. This is your room?"

"Well, if you like it, then no longer mine."

Then he gave a mini tour of the room - the sunlight through windows, attached washroom, wooden cupboard, a small chair and table setup for studying. 

"Thanks, I will go downstairs." Janaki told him.

"Sure." 

Ram parents had to give away his room for rent as they were struggling financially, in which Janaki moved in. Janaki did not like the hostel of her college, especially the food. Ram's house was nearer to her college. 

After helping Janaki with the shifting, it took time for Ram and Janaki to be friends. But it happened slowly and peacefully - with no hurry.

"So, where are you sleeping now, like you don't have the room..", Janaki asked Ram.

"I actually don't sleep in my room. I sleep with my mom, here in downstairs."

"mama's boy, huh?" 

"haha, yes."

"Well, okay, but if you want the study table or something, you can use whenever I go out. That'll be completely fine with me."

"Oh well, that's very nice of you."

"You're welcome."

 Ram gradually came to know about other nice things about Janaki - how she liked rabbits, Hindustani music, mathematics, minimalism, and also she was a good chef. With more time they spent chit-chatting, the more Ram liked Janaki. 

Then came the time for Janaki to leave. 

"So, taking up job? I thought you'd go for further studies", said Ram, while Janaki packed her things. 

"Well yes, but not now. It may take atleast a year or two." 

Ram searched for a job in the city where Janaki shifted. Then stayed near Janaki's place. Janaki became the go-to person for him. Some days Janaki would come in his dreams - which he safely remembered and journaled. Her favorite songs became his. Her favorite destinations became his. He started reading non-fiction and science books because of her.

More than half of his life was influenced by Janaki. But he never told her. He always liked the company of her - but he never told her. Bringing up just her name would lighten up his mood - but he never told her. He wished she would be more than just a friend. He wanted to share responsibilities, family and life with her. But he never told her. One day, she told him.

"Hey Ram, you know what, I have to tell you something."

"Yeah, proceed."

"My parents got a match for me, and I think I liked him - I said yes."

"What.. I mean,  when? how?"

"Yeah, sorry that I kept you out of the loop. Even I was not actually that much interested towards marriage, family and all. But just for my parents sake, I talked to him and then I actually liked him."

"Oh, is it?" His heart began to sink. "Well, that's great, uh.. so yeah, so it's uh, you liked him just like that? In just one talk?"

"No no. It took time. Like we met and we have been talking for a couple of months. We both took our time. It was a slow process, you know."

"But you never uh.."

"Yeah, just did not want to say till things finalised."

"You never told that you were looking someone" - this is what Ram wanted to ask her. Maybe he could have said then. He would have expressed his feelings. Maybe he tried to talk something. To do something. Maybe he should not waited in the first place. 

After that day, he just became numb. Sad. Confused. Irritated. He missed it - the chance to tell his feelings to her. A wave of regret. Anger. He could not take it. 

He decided never to tell anything with Janaki. She was happy with her partner. She chose someone she liked. Maybe if even Ram had proposed, she would have rejected. She should have stopped talking to him. Things would have gone awkward.

He cried if he saw someone looking like her. He cried in the middle of his work. He cried at nights. He cried like a child - without any reason. He was smiling with everyone, but that smile was not from his heart.

Gradually he spent less time talking with Janaki. She also became busy with wedding preparations.

He cried when Janaki gave the wedding invitation. He did not want to attend. He went for a vacation to divert himself but that did not help him. He returned from vacation on Janaki's wedding day. He wanted to attend the marriage - he thought seeing Janaki being happy with someone would bring closure. It would help him to let go. 

Or, maybe he hoped the wedding would cancel on the last minute and he could get a chance to express his feelings, so that maybe Janaki would accept him. Pretty unrealistic and unnecessarily far-fetched. But his mind was not in a position to be rational.

He smiled looking at Janaki as a bride - she was looking like an angel, as always. She was laughing, blushing, talking with her fiance. As a bride, she was looking very beautiful in the yellow saree. The total function hall was beaming with energy and positivity and smiles.

Gathering up courage, he went onto the stage and wished the bride. 

"Congrats." 

"Thank you." 

"Take care." - he wanted to say. But felt there was no need. She got someone who would take care of her. Someone who would be with her in ups and downs. Someone who would be sharing the rest of her life. Someone who told that he liked her.

Ram broke down that night. 

-end of chapter 2-