The Conversation - 9

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Missed part 8? Click here

Want to know from the start? Click here

***

So, the search began for a therapist. It's not like one can go to their friends or relatives who are therapists. It works best when the therapist is as alien as possible to remove any inherent opinions/biases between the therapist and the person seeking the therapy. 

Rohan searched the internet for various profiles and after filtering, he was left with four people to choose from. A rapport was necessary between the therapist and the person attending the therapy. Till that rapport was not there, one had to try talking to other therapists. So, without wasting time finding his 'perfect' therapist, he randomly selected one person to start with.

The first session lasted 50 minutes, but he felt as if it had gone on for ages. After the session, he decided not to consult that therapist anymore. He had to pick his second choice. This time, he asked Ridhi to select a name from the remaining. Ridhi picked one. The therapist was primarily a teacher, or to be specific, a student counsellor.

***

     Ridhi dropped him off at the address provided by the new therapist. It was a small building beside a large one, which he assumed was the therapist's home (he wanted to ask about it later). This small building had two rooms facing opposite each other and a corridor in between. After walking to the corridor, to the left was a room with a board above the door that said "Waiting room." To his right was the therapy room.

The waiting room had a sofa and a couple of chairs. Books were present here and there. Through the windows, one could see the back side of the building, which contained tall trees spreading their long branches. Seeing those trees soothed him a bit.

When it was his time, a woman entered the room and welcomed him to the therapy room. The therapy room was more spacious than the waiting room. The wall was painted green with the chairs and the sofa in yellow and grey, giving a good look overall. There was a chair near her. He thought of sitting in it but chose a farther one.

"So, shall we start?" she put a pen and notebook on her lap.

"Yes." 

"Can you please tell me whether this is the first time you are taking therapy? Or have you taken any sessions earlier?"

"This is my first time."

"Ok. I want to say that you showed courage by deciding to show up here."

"Well, I've felt a need to fix the issue as soon as possible."

"That's nice. Can you please tell me what you are expecting from the session?"

"I just want to say what's been happening. So that, you help me by telling me your thoughts about it?"

She smiled. "Sure, I would like to hear whatever you want to say. Please begin once you feel comfortable."

He took a few moments. He adjusted his position in the chair and began.

"To put it simply, I am having difficulties to move on. I loved a person. Unfortunately, I did not marry her. It's been a couple of years since her marriage. My sister suggested moving on, and as part of that, I met a girl. Her name is Ridhi.

To my surprise, things turned out quite well between us. We like each other. But when I try to make the next move, like discussing marriage, I have been facing anxiety issues. I thought I had moved on, but it seems I'm not. I want to figure out what's happening with me."

Rohan explained how he attended her marriage and how those images had begun to appear every time he felt triggered.

She listened to everything. "Sorry that you have to go through that."

"Thanks. Do you know what one part of my brain says? There is no problem at all. Let me explain a bit more.

I had indeed loved her. True that she was married. But what's lost? Maybe nothing. 

She's a great friend. I gained her trust; she gained mine. She understood me when I was at my worst times.

All I wanted was to be in touch with her life-long. That's happening. Even after her marriage, when I thought all the communication would stop, she still contacted me! I also told her about Ridhi.

I don't know why I am grieving for nothing. It appears like I have to be grateful to have such a person in my life. I should be happy that I did not mess up anything and make things between us weirder."

"So, what's the other part of your brain saying?"

Rohan took a sigh. "Well, it's saying that whatever things I just told you are logical but do not make any sense."

She smiled. "I think the former part is your logical part; the latter is your emotional part."

"Well, they've been quarrelling, and my emotional part seems to have been winning."

"That's completely expected. Our emotional part tends to dominate the logical part."

"If you ask me what I want from these sessions, maybe I want to smile when I remember her. It's not that I am triggered every time I remember her. Just that, sometimes, randomly, this immense wave of sadness is hitting me..."

"I will help you to figure that out."

"Thanks."

The time was almost up. The therapist said, "Well, do you like to ask anything?"

"Do you live in that?" he pointed his hands to the big building.

She laughed. "No. I live in a different place."

"Oh. But I liked this setup."

"Thanks."

She raised from her seat, followed by Rohan. She walked him to the door. Rohan opened it.

"Thanks, Rohan, for trusting me and sharing your thoughts," she said.

"Thanks to you too, Tara."

***

"How was the session?" Rohan asked Ridhi to join him for lunch.

"Yeah, good it is."

"That's great! You wanna continue?"

"Yeah, I think I do."

So, the therapy kicked off. Rohan was meeting Tara once in two weeks. Rohan was allocating time to think about what his brain was trying to say. He noted things Tara suggested to him to work out and what he wanted to say in the next session.

However, he did not want to reveal the name Apoorva to Tara, as that might trigger him more. He continued to refer to the pronoun.

***

   "I don't understand why people say we have to be strangers, or... we have to move ourselves away from the other person if we do not end up together. I had lov..." he adjusted his voice, "She had been special to me in many ways. I do not want to stop talking to her. I did not begin talking to her to end up being a dumb character. I do not want to stop talking to her."

"You don't have to."

This reply hit Rohan with a big wave of relief as if he was waiting to hear someone say this. That's right, I need not stop talking, he agreed with her. He took a few moments to register those words deeply.

"But it's not like she is more important than Ridhi. For me, both are important. Does it sound bad?"

"No. We always have multiple people who are important to us. As each colour of the rainbow, every one of them is equal and unique in their ways." 

      That evening, he talked to Ridhi. "The result I want from these sessions is not me forgetting her. Even though she is in the past, I will continue to carry a part of her in me. But that doesn't mean I don't have space to accommodate you. You are never less than her. She will never be more than you. I want to tell you that. I have no idea how difficult this must be for you. I am sorry."

Ridhi was silent for a while. "Well, this is uh.., sudden. I need some time to think through this."

"Sure."

***

With every session, he was trying to open up more. It was an adventure - to lower his shields and face the uncomfortable truths that had been hiding. That also meant breaking down.

"I have never given that much attention to anyone else. I have always taken for granted my close and immediate people who showered me with affection. Then, I was in a situation where I was giving out so much love just because she was special.

At that point, I understood two things: I decided to give back some love to my close people - they deserved it. Next is the realization that my immediate people will remain close to me, unlike her. I did not know when it would be.." he paused.

"Once I had begun to feel that the chances of ending up together were less, I gave her the priority whenever possible. It's like knowing that your time is up. I don't know whether it's a boon or bane. People say that we may not know the value of a person till we lose them. In that way, I was lucky to know prior that she would become my past. On the other hand, it was devastating to know that she would become my past. Well, everyone ends up losing their loved ones sooner or later. That's not what I meant here. I hope you understand."

Tara nodded.

Rohan continued, "I did not want to waste the time. I paid her maximum attention. As if every meeting was the last, every talk was the last and every message was the last." His eyes became watery.

"That was a lot of emotional load."

Rohan remembered how he simultaneously smiled and cried on her wedding day. "On her wedding day, I was happy for her, but at the same time.." he paused. "Did I say this already? I am sorry. I think I am picking up the same thing.."

"That's fine."

It had been lately the scenario in the sessions. Rohan was repeating the scenarios, crying again, and apologizing for the repetition. At the end of that session, Tara suggested Rohan observe which scenarios he was repeating and why. Was there any indication hidden? Rohan said he would look into it.

***

"You are not my first therapist - sorry," confessed Rohan.

"Is it?"

"Yeah, I just attended only one session of that therapist. But I felt that person was talking out of context. Like, you know, he asked me whether it is the regret preventing me from moving on - regret that I could not confess my feelings to her."

"Are you disagreeing with that point?"

"Yes. I am happy that she chose someone she liked. Indeed, I did not confess my feelings because I could not. There were reasons for it.

I had always been the guy who played the safe game - 'What if she was not the one? What if some other girl was waiting for me?' these kinds of thoughts. Even I had thoughts about whether this was love or admiration. What is the difference between admiring and loving?

With time, however, I realized that I would be just fine with her. Whether it was love or admiration - did not matter. There might exist someone more beautiful, more clever, more talkative and more understanding. But I did not want them. Wouldn't she understand me? I would explain to her more. Would she hurt me? We would fix things. Somehow, I thought she was good enough. I did not want to be with anyone else as long as she was present beside me.

The next step is to know her view. I wanted to ask her to try me. But I couldn't ask her just like that, though. Some of my friends suggested that proposing someone is always a risk. They asked me to make a move. But the price for loss is unbearable. You know, she is a great friend. I used to share many things to her. But when coming to the discussion of relationships, I froze. Like, how can I say about her to her? That felt very weird. I was uncomfortable every time she brought up the relationship topic, but I had to bear it because that's the best option available at that time." He paused and took a deep sigh before continuing.

"I wanted her to ask only when it was safe for her - safe that she could fall in love with me. At that time, I was broke financially and was behaving irresponsibly. I didn't want to promise her something when I was not in a position to fulfil it. I started transforming myself. To be honest, I've no idea what I'd become if she were not there in my life. But it was too late.

There were many times I wanted to say to her, 'Do you know how much I love you?', and ended up saying..." Again he paused. "Uh.. maybe it doesn't matter what I said. It is what it is. I am not triggered by that. I think my problem is something else. I felt that my previous therapist couldn't get it."

***

"You asked me to observe whether there was any pattern about me ranting about the same situations."

"Yes."

"I think there is one situation. I am ranting you about things related to it."

"What is it?"

"Her marriage."

Tara nodded, as if she were already expecting to hear the same. "You thought you'd lose her after marriage, right? But things did not turn out like that."

"Nope. We even met after the marriage."

"How was her reaction when you both met? Was she normal?"

"Yeah. Absolutely."

"Yours?"

"At first, I cried out of joy," he smiled. "But, again, I was just the same - counting every second with her. My time with her matters."

Tara took a sigh. "You are afraid, aren't you?"

"Of what?" Rohan suddenly became defensive.

"Of normalizing her. She has been above every other person. But to allow Ridhi, you have to keep her in a place equal to Ridhi or less than Ridhi, which you are resisting."

Rohan did not say anything. The session time was up.

"How about you think about it so we can discuss it the next time?"

"Yeah, sure."

     It's been weeks since Ridhi talked to Rohan. He thought he made a mistake by pushing her too hard. She should not deserve that for standing beside him. He wanted to apologize. When he took his mobile to cry calling her, he was already getting one.

"I am so sorry Ridhi. I did not think how much my words would impact you.."

"That's fine, Rohan. It's good that you have spoken your mind. I have been thinking about what you said all these days..." They stayed mute for a while. 

Breaking the silence, Ridhi said, "I have to normalize that she will be a part of you. Promise that you love me a good amount so I can do that."

"I will. I promise you."

What Ridhi told had stuck with Rohan the entire night. I have to normalize that she will be a part of you. It's time for him to do the same.

***

"I think I am afraid of normalizing her," he told Tara.

"Okay, I am hearing you.."

"Having Ridhi in my life demands less space to think about her. So my emotional part of the brain thought she'd become less special. To prevent that, I am being reminded of how special she was to me by these triggers.

It's like I am hurting myself so I will not forget. These triggers are acting to prevent normalizing her and keep her above everyone else, which makes it hard to have Ridhi beside me."

"But she won't be any less special if you let her go. You are letting go of her, not her speciality."

Rohan absorbed what Tara said. "Thanks, I will give it a thought."

"Yes. Just remember not to be afraid. You loved her despite knowing that you both wouldn't end up together. She will never cease to be your special person."

At the end of the session, just before he walked out, he stopped at the door and turned to Tara. "Well, the name is Apoorva."

***

After a few weeks of the last session with Tara, Rohan asked Ridhi whether she would like to meet Apoorva. She agreed. So they were, standing in front of the Apoorva's home.

"Ready?" asked Ridhi.

"Yeah, you?"

"Yeah." Rohan pressed the doorbell.

"Coming..!" said the voice from inside.

"Hi!" wished Ridhi as the door opened.

**End of part 9**

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